The Not So Physical Edition

Perhaps it is because I have a blog that I sometimes use as a diary, or because I word vomit all over twitter after midnight, or people are just generally nosy bastards and we now live in a society where everyone is unfiltered because of social networking.

Who knows?

But throw in some holiday cheer and everyone and their mother around this place getting knocked up and guess what? My personal business seems to be on everyones mind these days. Unsure of what I'm talking about? Of course you are! Out here in blogland you are prefect! You wouldn't dare ask such personal questions. But if you were someone who (barely) knew me face to face and happened to catch me at a moment of free time you would likely wonder out loud if tonight is the night that I come home to this:


Come to think of it that would really piss me off because my name is most certainly not Keli. Also I would probably get a phone call giving me a heads up before I actually saw it and that would be pretty awkward. 

Ok so maybe no one is expecting a big sign on my lawn (hopefully not) but people are freaking out over the idea of The Beef & I getting engaged and tying the knot. It's easy to see why, we're vomit inducing adorable together.

If that wasn't enough for you I can totally back this up with comments left on my xmas facebook pictures:

Anyway, we live together so "apparently" the natural progression of things is logical. I'm not here to argue if that is the case or not, there are too many factors to consider and I haven't had enough sleep but I will say this:

It's none of you flippin' business! 

If I tried to talk to you about the state of your reproductive organs or whether or not you've had a bowel movement today in front of a group of people who we both may or may not know you'd be less than pleased with me because these are very personal matters. 

Well guess what, so is the state of my relationship. 

I have a feeling that my readership demographic can actually relate to this strife pretty well so instead of just complaining about it, I'd like to offer up some helpful tips for dealing with it.

When faced with the "When are you getting/Why aren't you engaged yet?" try these responses:

When the divorce is final.
When my tracking anklet is removed.
When the sex change operation is completed.
When pigs fly.
When the 9th star wars movie comes out.
When all the tests come back clean.
When no one is looking.
As soon as we grow up.
When people stop asking.
When your hairline stops receding. 
Before I start to show. *rub belly*
After the baby is born.
After my parole hearing.
When I find suitable sister wives.
When he comes back from space camp.
When I master the art of vacuuming.
September 31st. 
When the subliminal messages take hold.
When I'm done brainwashing him.
After the comet passes.
When Edward Cullen stops sneaking into my bedroom.
After he cuts down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring.
When I get my inheritance. *maniacal laugher*

If those don't get the "it's none of your business" point across just kill them and eat them. 

Do you/have you had to deal with this? Do you have anymore comeback suggestions?

No comments:

Post a Comment